What art is

Art. We all know it is in all of us somewhere. We don't admit that because people are afraid. They are afraid to show depth, pain, spirit. They know that a single stroke from a drawing, or step from a dance performance can show so much. It can show our limits as to how far we have come in this world. I believe a painting can be a silent shout, a cellist can play words and poems, a ballerina can move without the reality of an audience watching. I belive art can show it all. When we are exposed to these things, accoplishments have been made. The drawing will inspire a young figure artist, and dance will recrute dreamers, a cello performance will stane the very walls with vibrations of color. From the swiftest sroke of the paint brush to the boldest risk in the choreography, art is formed.

I am afraid of a bug, there I said It!

This is Halloween, so I figure it would be appropriate to share something very scary. I have a thing with spiders. Yest, I finally came out with it. wolf spiders and jumping spiders are actually just fine, but black widows and daddy lone leg's I have a problem with, (even though daddy long legs aren't spiders)  they are my worst fear lately. I am a bug person, I love bugs, I study them and frame them, I taxon them and label them and love them, but when I was a very small child, I had a very bad dream about a daddy long leg. I dreamed I smashed it with my shoe, but you can never kill the legs! The legs started crawling and moving around and than jumped on my arms. The horror was very discouraging. I finally got over it about 5 months ago. Than I had a run in with a very very big daddy long leg. I felt something on my shoulder as I was collecting insects up the canyon and there it was crawling towards my face. I gave a yelp and had to kind of freak out for about 10 minutes before I knew I survived. So, every time I see a daddy long leg, I think they are very interesting and I want to get closer sometimes, but those little eight legged freaks are so sneaky and always find a way scare the pee out of me!

Now for the black widows. I didn't really have any encounters with them in Orem, but here... they are everywhere! A couple days ago I squashed one in the garage, then I squashed one in my room, than I found one in my bed and then I put the one that was in my bed in the trash thinking I killed it, then It crawled out of the garbage bucket and crawled back in my bed sheets waiting for me that night. I squished it so hard that just the thought of thinking about it makes me feel like I have sinned something awful.  So, I found a wolf spider on my wall last night but that didn't really phase my spirits compared to those black widows. The amazing thing, was that all those back widows were HUGE! every single one was ginormous. I didn't like that at all. 

                                                              I can't wait to go home.

I wish I didn't use this blog to only talk about my problems. I do have good moments, but I guess they don't stick with me as good as the bad times. I have this problem with guilt and shame. If I do something wrong, I dwell on it for a very long time. Some longer then others. Even if my action is very small. I wonder if it has something to do with pride because I am worried about how people view me. I don't want them to think I'm weak. I still feel very young.. you'd think I would get use to adult behavior towards me. I didn't spend my time playing when I was young, I spend time with a adults. I was ether at the museum volunteering, or going on backpacking trips with my mom, or just by myself writing and drawing.

When negative things happen to me, I feel homesick because I sometimes believe that my family are the only good people in the world and I am simply away from real and kind people and stuck here with the busy and grouchy ones. I wish I was back in Jinan, I felt very comfortable there with two wonderful people who didn't make me feel homesick, that was the first time I thought I could be away without feeling bad about myself because Laisi and her husband always had this loving look to them that made me feel like family.

This morning, I woke up and went upstairs to eat breakfast, but I felt I had to be careful because Kari was there. So I carefully got out a bowl and carefully opened the drawer to grab a spoon and carefully looked in the fridge... oh no, there was no milk in the fridge. It was sitting by Kari. "OVER HERE IS THE MILK" she said firmly. I walk over there and carefully grabbed the milk and than asked if she wanted me to put it away after I used it, (thinking, she might not be done with it.)

I got the cereal she had used and didn't know that I had just taken it out of her garbage pile because it was empty, so, without being careful I turned around to get the full box of Cheerios and accidentally left it there out of the pile. "YOU TOOK IT OUT OF MY GARBAGE PILE" she said ( as if being annoyed at be.)

I know I shouldn't get so offended, but it is because of those small moments that I feel I have sinned.
Sometimes I wish I could read peoples minds so that I would know to put back the cereal box, or know exactly where the milk was.

Yesterday had a moment I will never forget or maybe be able to forgive myself for. I lost an old Lady after getting too interested in president Monson's talk in the ensign. I always sit and read with her, but at that time I war reading, she got up and said she was going to look at her flowers. I usually fallow her around, but I figured she would do what she always did and come back to sit with me. She didn't.
I then thought she was using the bathroom (which she had don't allot that  day) and would be out very soon. All of a sudden, her granddaughter walk in with a rage and tells me she had walked all the way to the corner alone and had to be driven back. "FALLOW HER PLEASE" she said. I apologized silently trying not to throw up with a horrible sickening feeling I had felt. I brought the old women inside and sat her down to watch some TV. I sat on the floor holding in tears and looking at the old lady once in a while with fear she would start running away suddenly, somehow. I never let her out of my sight again.

I didn't sleep very well last night and had dreams of Fernando. Just little snippets that don't mean anything, but I woke up with a faint headache and then remembered my crime. I cant get it out of my head. I prayed that Sandy would forgive me for losing her grandmother, but It didn't help very much.

I wish these stories would give people some wisdom, but I think it is more of a call out for wisdom for myself. I think this guilt and shame is actually a disease and I should go to a therapist or something, maybe even to my bishop, but I don't think this is a very common thing. It is what gives me the most stress, so I hope I will be able to stop thinking about things to much because it might really hurt me some day.

Mondays for a college student

 

In my patriarchal blessing it assures me that I will be blessed as I am away from home if i continue to serve others, so I decided to take on a job without being payed.

Sunday nights: I set my alarm to 6:20, wake up to country music at 6:20 and than hit snooze five times until I actually get out of bed at 7:00 am. Than I get dressed, have breakfast, do hair and makeup and fix a lunch. at 8:00 I ride my blue bike to the institute building and sit there reading until class starts at 8:30 ( I leave early so I don't have to eat breakfast with lad... awkward.) I saver the hour of institute until I must go do math homework for an hour before math class actually starts at 10:30.
After class, I race to the science building up the stairs to the top floor and get up there feeling ready because of the moment of good exercise. I start working in the stock room 5 minutes early. I wash and organize, and that's all...
I race to work every morning so I can leave a bit early not feeling guilty about doing so. I leave early to get to my next job. This is the job I didn't want to get payed for. I wanted something that made me serve more, but that was also something that took up a lot of my time, so this was perfect. The women paying me won't accept me to do that, so I decided what ever I get payed, will ONLY go into my mission fund (since the announcement for missionary women :)
So, this job involves senior service and helping around the house once in a while. The old lady is named Enid. She is like one of those grandmas who will invite stray cats in for some ice-scream. She is losing her memory very rapidly and gets very ancy, so she goes for walks a lot of the time. I've played three hours for her on my cello. She always tears up when I play the hymns, so I play the hymns...
I get to her house around 1:40 and leave at 3:30. Then I go back to Kari's and do what ever until I feel I should go back to the college and study until about 7:30 or 8:00 pm. I get home and than consumes Kari's DELICIOUS meal until my headache goes away from not eating so long. That happens a lot and it seems I am getting more used to it (good, or bad?)
Than after I eat, I ether call my mom or watch cop shows with Kari at 9:00... I usually watch with Kari...
:)
When I go to bet, I set my alarm for 6:00 instead, say my prayers, read my scriptures, read some more of my book where I left off from institute and than lay in bed until I finally fall asleep at about 11:45 or 12:00.

I think I don't sleep well because of the pressure, or maybe because I'm afraid and I need a little hobbit for courage. naa, that can't be it. Look at the picture above. I was gone for three months and I was on the other side of the world. On the plane home, I watched the land go by thinking "If I am only in my country with people who can speak English, there's nothing I can't do because I could do it without those advantages even out of my country. When I struggle, I usually think of what I felt than on that plane. That moment when I felt so grown up and strong was what I look back on for strength now, but I still miss my family, and I don't think that's abnormal.
My schedule is very similar each day. It is a very tight calendar with only four classes and two jobs, but I've made it so far... so bring it on conspiracies...
zia jian

WHAaa!?

Today I confronted my teacher about who I am. I told him I had never taken any scientific class before and barely even knew what an amino acid is. He was very surprised of course and said that if I decide this is just too much I can transfer to Bio 1010. I think that might be best. I spent five hours today (so far) studying for lab tomorrow. I really help all goes well. Here is a list of things I have to study, that I haven’t yet, for tomorrow and for the test on Monday.

Leukocyte, Lipid raft, cytoskeleton, actin filaments, microtubules, motor proteins, mitochondria, setresome, translocators, endoplasm reticulum, Golgi apparatus, chemokine, g protein, integrin, I-cam protein, spontaneous generation, choroidal border, photo receptor, metric unit, permit, extravasation, cell architecture, biology microscopes, prokaryote, eukaryote, nuclear envelope subcellular, centrifugation, homogenize, differential density, lubrication, cellulose, chitin, nucleic acids, DNA and RNA, phosphate groups, atp, nad, nadp, fmn, fad, gtp, monomers, polymer, cell content, sucrose gradient, sodium electrons, nuclei, C1-nucleus, forms of carbon, electronegativity, opolarity, carbonyl group, glycosidic, carbohydrates, ester bonds, lecithin, lipids, membranes, animal cell, plant cell, homogenization, centrifugation, centrifugal forces, stearic acid, saturated fats, plasma membrane, carbon bases, sodium hydroxide, choline, lecithin, rigidity, cellulase, aldehyde, hydrolyzed bonds, amylopectin hemoglobin, diester bond, rule of complementarity and its bases. Double helix, chromatography, phosphomolybdic acid, ninhydrin, carbohydrate chemistry, moolisch test reagent and all of the amino acids and their functions.

This is a kind of adventure I have never thought I would have to have. Heavenly father, please keep my brains intact for the test next week, and the quiz tomorrow, and everything else this week...

Where is Hulk when ya need him to destroy your Biology class?

Today was very hard to live. I spent two hours in a chemistry lab trying not to protest that all was not well at all! I don't think it is as hard for anyone else. Biology and Chemistry is not sticking at all. I thought I had it under control when I only had to learn 20 amino acid structures by heart. Then today I had two hours to spend in the lab (which is going to be three hours soon.) Everyone seemed to get things and they were asking questions and they were putting things together. But not little me. I helped clean out the glasses we had used and that is all. We boiled salt and water together for some reason. I was told what the reason was, but it was so scientific I just nodded and pretended I knew what they were talking about. I want to know the answer, but I don't know how to ask the question.  How  do you say "could you explain that in kindergarten language please?" All of these other kids had gone to a biology and chemistry class in high school. I’ve never taken anything scientific before. I am supposed to be an Entomologist, if I'm not, does that mean I am going to become a mom at age 21 and stay like that until I die? Today I found an orange Papilio Lepidoptera caterpillar outside of the math room. I picked it up cautiously incase its pheromones were toxic to my skin. The smell of its pheromones was very pleasant. I rushed back to the house and but it is in a cup with some leaves and then rushed as fast as I could back to class. Then when I realized I had to stay in the class for more than an hour, I prayed that the caterpillar wouldn't suffocate until I got home. After I did finally get back, I took it down to my room and just laid on my bed wondering if I should cry or play the cello. I played for a bit (probably disturbing Lad) but I felt much better. I paced in my room looking at my biology text books, home work, lab text, experiment pages and all this other stuff. I thought about taking it all to a bomb fire and dancing around it but then remembered how much my mom paid for it, so I didn't. So I stacked it all in a pile and but the less threatening part of the biology text on the top so that I wouldn't become depressed if I accidentally glanced over at it. The girls in my group at the lab are very unlively. They of course don't want to be there either. Chatting on my email to my parents didn't help. I started tearing up a couple times praying for them to agree with my pain, but they failed me and I don't think I'll sleep very well tonight. I have biology tomorrow. 

On August 24th I spent the weekend with my family. When my aunt Kari and I walked through the door of my house it was the highlight of my day weekend already.  The house was full of kids and my mom was sitting at the table talking with my sister and my aunt Gretchen. After holding new baby Liam Jack, I began to feel very depressed. No body realized it that Friday, but it was getting to me a like a poison. I didn't sleep well that night because I began to wonder how to spend that Saturday with my family before I had to leave them again. I began to get selfish. I played with the kids that afternoon like a child and made a mess with the yard. My mom simply asked me to water the lawn, but I could not help it and forgot to water the back yard as well as almost drowning the front. That night I spent time with my new brother and began to get selfish there as well. I kept him from everyone and couldn't stand thinking about tomorrow. As the day began to end, some of my family gathered in the living room to watch a movie about fish. I became very restless as we sat there. I wanted to turn the TV off and just talk, or cry in my parent’s arms, but then remembered my age and that I had already left them all for three months before. Why is this so hard? It was very late that night and still nobody realized the terror I felt. Then I got desperate and selfish again. I begged both of my brothers to stay up with my and watch our favorite stupid TV show. But somehow, my brother was older than me and told me that church was in the morning and that we all had to go to be. I even asked him to sleep on the couch just so I could spend some time with can. When we watch this funny little TV show, it is like we all have something in common. We comment about it, we rephrase thing and we even laugh until we are on the ground holding our stomachs. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving the morning but couldn't explain anything to anyone. I sat where I was for a while and then was asked to go to bed. I felt like a child, one that wishes she still was one just to be silly and dumb and not have to worry about school or the mornings anymore. I didn't want to sleep in the same room with my brother that night. I was angry but knew I was the one being irresponsible. I cried even harder when my little brother came in and slept on the couch next to me. I knew he did so to comfort me and it helped me sleep better. I slept on the couch in a pool of tears praying the night would go quickly and that I could face the morning as I said goodbye to only three of my family members. I was very glad it was Sunday. The ward is wonderful and the spirit got me through the pain as I thought about what I had done. I never knew what to do when my life began to get hectic, but now I know what I have to do.

 

:(

The colorful eyes

The colorful eyes.

I woke up from a curious dream; a dream I thought about for the rest of the day, and you will understand later why, for the rest of the day, I didn’t make much eye contact with anyone. This was the kind of dream that could definitely not come true. But it was still the kind of dream that not many are lucky enough to experience. My dream wasn't inspired by the day before, or from trailing off into thought during a math test. This dream created itself without my consent. My dream was about eyes. They were blue, then green, then they suddenly turned white. Finally, the eyes became absorbed by a face. But the eyes were the only entity that had mattered at the moment. Then they looked away from me and I found myself in a cave. A dark one to, in fact, the only bright or color related objects were those eyes. Outside the entry of the cave was a war taking place. Bombs fell to the sky and lug nuts fell to the ground as if every little part to a plain was completely destroyed just to get my attention. The person who possessed those eyes was sitting on the other side of the cave using a typewriter looking annoyed and bitter as if he the typewriter used him, as if the typewriter owned him and he couldn't stop typing for anything. I could then see a cabinet on one side of him in the shadows of the cave. A bomb could be herd outside. Planes flew over the cave and shook our surrounding. The man with the colorful eyes, which were now turning pink, pulled out something from the cabinet drawer. All of a sudden, a janitor walks into the cave yelling, “The British are coming, the British are coming!" Then he ran back out. I looked back the man in the cave with the colorful eyes. He pulled out a pair of boxing gloves. He put only one on his right hand. One of his eyes slides akuardly to my side of the cave and looks deeper and deeper. He becomes beastly and I crush myself to the wall cave trying to get far away from those eyes. His rite hand slams against the typewriter completely destroying it. Peaces of more lug nuts fly around the cave and jump around like little crickets making small clanking noises until it falls silent again. The eye in my direction turns the color of red wine. All of a sudden the gloved hand shoots my direction and whacks me out of my bead. So please, don’t even look at me.

JK Rowling Speech

I am standing in line for my graduation certificate. The line is long and excited. Every individual feels as though they have finally made it out of the grave yard, where they had left there dramas, embarrassing social moments, their long days of sitting for hours on end, and there restless nights cramming in examination information before the early morning exam. This is the moments life starts a new. "Take it in and don't forget a single moments of your situation Madison." The line gets smaller and smaller. I begin to fill my imagination with what the future holds for me. "The world is waiting for you." I feel like a small maggot hungry for those wings to buzz of and make myself known to those worldly faces, who I know may be slapping me away, or greeting me with a hopeful hearts for my success. My time has come. I dream about my adventures. I am in strange lands in New Guinea, traveling with experienced thrill seekers and science whizzes. I am special for my knowledge and accepted as a famous Entomologist. I am about to discover one of the most important discoveries of bug history. Then I flick on back to reality and slide into the past soon after. I stand in front of my Biology class, trying to think what I am suppose to do. "Oh the horror," I think. What embarrassment I must have been to my teacher who had worked so hard to teach me these concepts. I feel as though I had failed both him and I. My memories flow to all the times I know I had made a mistake. All those lonely feelings being away from home crushes my confidence. But I am almost to the front of the line and I feel bold, brave, and ready again. I see my family in the audience. My Mom is crying and my Dad is proud. My life is changing. I then float back to the situations and the people that have helped me get here. All those wonderful teachers who cared about me. All of those A+ that I worked so hard for. And all of my friends I could not breath without. I shake my Certificate presenters hand and look into his eyes to show my thanks. I almost trip on the state with excitement and finally stumble down the steps. The paper I hold in my hand represents success and my final day as a college student. The tears come. That night, I celebrate watching movies and eating ice cream with my family. Peace at last.

last personal blog post

To me, life is hard. To everyone I know, life is hard. To the good and bad people, life is still hard. LIFE IS HARD! There really is no rest for the weary. None! Though I never would, I can imagine why people commit suicide, but I truly never would! They are lonely, responsible, unhealthy, or unwanted. They are simply miserable. It is a scary feeling to be alone. I have only had small moments when I feel alone, so I cannot imagine how anybody can be alone there whole lives. I think about those poor people in India having to beg with there frightened voices and there week hearts. They are shy and mad at the world, but have to hide it to survive. One class mate of mine once asked me “how could I help the homeless by eating all my food, what good would that do?” For them, nothing at all, for yourself, you may feel thanksgiving, peace, appreciated to be alive, to have a home, to know where you your next meal will come from, to understand you have safety and basic needs. Maslow's hierarchy of needs consists of only five theoretic ideas that show how a person can go through life without being miserable. Number 1, the need of Self-Actualization. This means to have in your life, Morality, creativity, problem solving and acceptance of facts. Number 2, the need of self Esteem: Confidence, achievement, and respect. Number 3, Love. Everyone needs this because it assures friendship, family and sexual intimacy. The fourth is Safety. This I know I could never live with out. One person that makes me feel safe is my dad. I think about those children and those mothers without husbands and fathers. How unsecured can you get? The last is Physiological needs, which are the basic needs. Of course you need to breath. You need food, water, and sleep. Yet, many individuals still don’t have even these basic things in this life. I want you to think what lies outside your comfort zone. Could you stand sleeping outside in the middle of the winter season as a homeless person? Could you imagine your life without parents or siblings? So, the next time you through away an apple with only one bite in it because you decide you would rather swipe your friends cookies, remember what you have and what others do not.

Hey, your epidermis is showing!

SKIN: bristly, bumpy, fuzzy, hairy, sweaty, rugged and complex. Because of skin, we’ve reached a lack of empathy towards our fellow beings. But can you truly blame the skin? What about the brain? Isn’t the brain worse! Our brains are far more ugly, slimy and complex than our hides! But oh, I forgot, we all have brains, and all our brains must look the same, and all our brains are the source of judgment, and judgment is not a crime in America. Did you know the average human adult body consists of 6 pounds of skin? Picture a large black male human being. Now picture him with only his boxers on, what are your eyes going to mainly visualize? SKIN!
Now you understand that skin is our judgment source. It is how we tell a person where they are from, how they must act, where they must be going. Arnold H. Glasgow said “The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.” This means that every individual has more interest in their opinions than the facts they see in front of them, which in our history, is the cause of destruction and pain. If you are like me, you are a thinker and you want to know the truth! So I read “THE HELP.” This novel went down to the nitty gritty of the way blacks were viewed during the 1960‘2, generally women.
But you don’t have to be a woman to understand what this book is trying to demonstrate, because the stories this book tells can relate to anyone, and was meant to be read by everyone. Fact: skin color is not the source of a humans actions. Fact: skin color is not our source of our birth place. Naturally, the majority of people will disregard the facts. “The Help” reassures a simple path for unsure people. People who are uneducated about why black is black, why white is white, and why purple is purple! It’s simple, because we were made that way. Just like the zebra was made with stipes, and the jaguar was put on earth with spots. If we can’t accept this fact, or we can’t find a scientific explanation, simply let it go and read. Gain empathy. Strengthen your opinions through the facts in these stories. Become aware of the characters and their lives, because just understanding that these blacks are still people, it should be enough to accept to belive that they can return that empathy towards us. Their are blacks and whites who hate each other, but now it is because of history, and the lack of change that came from it. The book states the truthful feelings, and the individual worth. More than ever, this novel brought anger and shame.

Madison's last personal blog post

I could’t sleep last night. I was too hopped up on cake. My best friend Melanie has been over to my house every night for two months. I don’t care what you think. Last night, we saw a UFO in the sky. Both our moms would not believe us and that made us a little frustrated. We stared at it flying across the sky for five minutes wondering if we should keep it to ourselves or get our parents. It looked exactly like a star. It went across the stars as fast as a plane but slow enough to know it was far far away in outer space. It was smaller then the northern star and bigger than a shooting star. It was bright and calm looking. I swear, it was the coolest unknown thing I have ever seen. We had just gotten back from our basketball game and wanted lay on the spring grass and watch the stars. We were the only to fortunate people in the whole world to have seen what we saw. I promise we’re not crazy! We said hello to the Aliens, (no, really, we waved and said hello) than we went inside, made cake and watched scary movies. Now you know a little more about me. I like being weird and fun. Yes my best friend in the whole world may be a 12 year old, but she knows how I view life and how to live it. We do everything together and have known each other all our lives. I love you Melanie :)

Madison'creativity post

Elizabeth Gilbert has some great points. She is great at explaining how our creativity is limitless but not always positive in a human life. I believe that each person is creative in their own way. A writer is a thinker. A thinker can create ideas that know one else bothers to think about because they don’t think it will lead to something. But Elizabeth Gilbert has created a new way to think about specifics, such as our individual creativity, and that is what makes a great writer, because it challenges the mind but also makes sense. There is still one thing I could not understand about what she said about dealing with our creativity. If our greatest accomplishment of our creativity could be behind us, should we not fight to gain back our success, or do we really need to accept our defeat as if the universe wants us to stay broken after our first, and maybe our last accomplishment? I know she must have cleared this up, but most of what she said seemed like most of what we need to do is simply accept our fate. One of my biggest fears is, “What if I am only meant to be a mom? What if my life will be as simple as the natural women?” I don’t want to be the mom who, once, went outside the country at one point. I have a lot more to offer.

Madison's English Writing prompt. In perspective of my Mom.

In perspective of my Mom.

Madison is 17 years old. She has long blond hair. Chris, my husband, named her after her great grandfather. Earlier in her life, I could tell she felt her name was boyish and strange. Because her name was a boy name, she never participated in little girl activities. I was happy to finally see her accepting her name around 12 years old; about the time she graduated into Young Womens Mutual. She still hates the girly stuff, but turned out socially stable. While experiencing being a middle child, she became very desperate for attention. She’s grown out of her loneliness. Making friends at her knew school has helped her with a lot of her communication skills. Madison has always loved to see knew things. Her best friend Emily is the same away. They used to jump from high places just to prove they were brave. They called themselves “the dare devils.” They also loved to try disgusting foods to know what everything tasted like in the world. Madison never wore shoes when she was younger. Once, on a 6 mile hike down Uinta trail, she went bare foot the whole way, trying to prove shoes were a conspiracy. She is adventurous, stubborn, a hand full, and expensive! She may be the most expensive child we have ever had! She doesn’t ask for a lot of things, but when she wants something, it is usually a good thing she needs, but also expensive. Her Cello was purchased at seven hundred when she turned 10. But she knows it has all been hard to give her all she wants, and tries to show us how grateful she is. She loves her family and knows never to object when I ask her to baby sit, not because she has to, but because she knows how hard mothering can be, and when ever she gets a chance, she becomes the mom and puts the house in order. Today, she is still that sensitive, passionate, adventurous girls she will always be.

:)

Madison's 3rd personal blog post

Last night I had a dream. Odd, but vivid and creative. I dreamed I had money. Only about one hundred dollars, but to me, I could do anything in the world with this money. I felt powerful and invincible. To my horror, I had accidentally dropped all of my money in a used toilet! I rushed to ask my parents what I should do. I felt that horrible embarrassing as I told them what I had done. Most of all, I felt scared I would lose all of that power and invincibility because it was in a pool of water. It was rite it front of me, but I didn't even have the stomach to look at it. I woke up relived, not that I didn't have to reach in the toilet for my money, but for not having to regret and deal with the shame for that simple accident. It was a lot like feeling what I feel many times in my life. But it is a comfort to know I am not the only one that can feel this shame and regret, and even horrified of my mistakes. I can't help it in some situations because in one split millisecond, ones life can fall or rise, and we may lose some or gain some power. But you can not usually change it afterwords.

Madison’s personal blog post.

There are so many things I want to do with my life before I die. I love to travel. I have never been farther than china, which may be the farthest I’ll ever go. I love China, It is so cultural and interesting. Many tourist will never get to see what I did because of the wonderful people I know. I loved to see the world as I sat by the windows in the plain on my way there and back. My favorite place in china was Jinan. I saw the hundred food Golden Buddha, and saw most of the famous spring and rivers. It was beautiful.

I live in Utah. I think Utah may be the most beautiful place in the world and I don’t know why, but I don’t think I could live five years at least without looking at these beautiful mountains. My favorite place in Utah is Capitol Reef. The red rocks makes me feel worm. I love the insects in capitol Reef as well. I don’t know everything about Utah, but that is another goal I have decided to pursue. My dame is Madison Barksdale and I am a mormon. L) ha ha.

Madison's personal blog post

My favorite thing to do in my spare time is watch bugs do their thing, painting with watercolors, hiking or playing the cello. My favorite hiking place is the foot hills in front of Timp. My favorite things to paint are bugs and cows. My favorite song to play is Bach's Prelude#2. I love to watch snail behavior cause I think their pretty and I love the way they move. I love to listen to opera and classical music. I love to play chess with my brothers. I love to play basketball with my friends after school and I love ICE CREAM! my favorite ice cream is plane vanilla with sprinkled coco on it. I have been on a lot of back packing trips with my mom. Our hardest hike was the Pariah River in AZ. We walked 45 miles in 3 days when one of our hike mates broke her leg and we had to walk faster to get a helicopter. I love the outdoors. I love spring and am so excited that it is finally here. I have a lot of fun watching movies with my brothers and I am also excited for a new brother or sister who will be arriving in September. I absolutely love my family. My favorite thing to learn about is INSECTS. I have watched every documentary on nature you can find. My favorite insect is the dung beetle. They are stinky, but are so pretty in their own way. They work hard to complete their goal and I admire their abilities. My favorite class at school is Seminary. Well, see you all in class. Did I mention I think Snails are the coolest :)

The Tell Tale Heart Alternate Ending

“It is the beating of his hideous heart!”

The planks lie next to the cavity below. There, he lays dead and deformed. My mind increased with headache. I finally began to realize what the future may hold because of what I had done to the old man. But still, my future would not have an involvement with that vulture eye. The gripping that eye had on me all this time, it was finally over, It was finally over! He would bring the cold chilling feeling to my body no more! But as the officers looked down at the old man, all three had that same expression of terror the old man had showd me before I killed him. They looked down and then slowly back to me, and stood frozen as if they could not believe what they saw before them. The four of us stood still and frozen with terror. Finally, they slowly took out there chains and came towards me. I fell to the ground. I groan but accept their violence upon me to bound me. They said nothing, but picked my whole body off the ground and led me out of the house away from the old man, but finally, away from that old man’s eye.

Maddie: This is the way I would have ended the story. I would want to show the officers fear and more of their involvement in the story. I would have wanted the reader to know that the killer never gets away with murder. He though he was so cunning and clever. He said His senses were so acute, but I believe he truly was crazy. I believe his emargination got the best of him. The old man should’t have died just because someone was afraid of his ugly vulture eye, that is just ridiculous. But I do admire the writers passion for excitement in the writing, especially towards the end when he can’t take the suspense and he could not hold it in any more! This Is my favorite story I have every read from Alan Poe! I LOVE IT! I would necessarily change the story, but add a bit to it if thats all right. I also love the man telling the story. He sounds like a narrator and he greatly invites the audience to feel that terror and suspense with him. So cool!

Madison's self portrait poem

Madison-

Creative, Adventurous, positive, brave,

Sister of Morgan, Bridger, Landon, Cade, Sarah, and unknown on the way,

Lover of the new morning rainbow, the arrival of the fresh spring flowers

and the early morning sunrise overlooking the mountains,

Who feels restless before the last school bell,

excited when mom gathers everyone for family dinner,

and inspired when listening to Mischa Maiskey and Bach,

Who needs rain clouds, adventures, and family,

Who gives advice, aunesty, and friendship,

Who fears the death of a loved one, the end of the worlds, and defeat,

Who would like to see my aunt healthy, a knew and inspirational me,

and someday, a better educational system with less judgment,

Who lives in a small blue home with a large living

room window viewing all of Timpanogus mountain,

Barksdale-

Madison's Book Review. The Help

What is most interesting about this novel, is that the movie mimics the book more than any other movie I have ever seen. I wish I would have red the book first. I pretty much know what is about to happen in the book, but the writing and the way the stories are told still interests me and is still gripping my attention. The sad thing about the book is that their are still people who treat african Americans disrespectfully. One sad part of the book was when Aibaleen discovers the baby has had to spend all night and morning with a messy diaper because her mother never had it cross her mind that her child is still a baby. I love the part when Skeeter mouths back to Hilly that "maybe we should just build you a bathroom outside Hilly." I also love how loving and understanding mister johnny is when he had known about the lying and sneaking Celia and Minny did behind his back, which is relieving because most men back then would probably get aggressive and abusive because of that. I am currently on page 282 chapter 19 in Skeeters perspective.

Book review

The Help

The help is wonderful. Very creatively written and well organized. I spend at least 20 minutes a day reading through the pages as carefully as I can so I can get as much out of the book as I can. I am currently on page 206 chapter 13. I am very excited for tomorrows English class because I get to just simply read for 80 whole minutes! My thoughts about the book are all positive, except for of course the sad stories and the hard times I know people had back then. I think a lot about what I would do in some of the situations the book describes. For example, when Mrs Skeeter is pressured to write a book she doesn't know she should actually even think about. Or actually breaking laws and risking others lives for something that might not go through the publishing room. I think If I were the ambitious writer, trying to create something I believe in, I still wouldn't have the kind of courage Skeeter did when It came to asking the help for help. The movies is great as well. Of course, even though the book is always going to be better, the movies sets a good perspective as well. The movie is what lead me to the book. My mom is always pushing books in my face saying “You would really like this one Madison, it’s got some insect information in it.” This book I was glad was not pushed in front of me, it is one that you can enjoy and feel good about reading, knowing your not wasting your time. It had taken Kathryn Stockett 5 years to complete the book and went through 60 different hands saying no to it being published, but I am glad she decided to stick with it. Most books I like are suspense, adventure, science fictional, but never love stories. But this book has almost everything, adventure, suspense, excitement, funny moments, sad moments and not to much of that lovey-dovey stuff.

Today, I plan to go easy before reading it for English tomorrow. I am very excited about this novel.

Madison's book review.

I had seen the movie version first. It may be my favorite movie so far. The book could become the best book I have ever read. Leading through the fourth chapter, I can already feel the pain and excitement of the characters. My favorite character is Minny, a 35 year old colored maid trying to make ends meat, but still holding on to her famous attitude. School and homework have been the only things keeping me from reading. Even during lunch break I cant put this book down. I estimate the book will be fully read in about 3 weeks, maybe less at the rate I'm going.

Top Tens

Top ten Insects

1. Bumble Bee

2. Praying mantis

3. Cicada

4. Huechys Sanguinea

5. American Hornet

6. Ants

7. Blue bottle fly

8. Stag beetles

9. Dung Beetle

10. Luna moth.

Top Tens

Top ten Scary moments.

1. 2 hundred pound rock avalanches during Timp base climb heading towards me and my

brother

Bridger. Age 14 and 12.

2. Flying alone to China and through the airports alone.

3. First night at Chinese orphanages.

4. Realizing I lost all my money after losing my international bank card in China. Ate only apples

and porridge for two weeks.

5. Getting lost at the zoo at age 6.

6. Dreaming my brother as a stabbed victim.

7. Watching my dad fall down Timp mountain not knowing if me and Bridger would be able to hold onto the side of the mountain before he takes us down with him while being tied to each other.

8. Catching scorpions in the Dessert with my aunt Bri.

9. Riding a camel at the Jinan Chinese zoo.

10. Ducking for life as a herd of deer stampedes over me in my backyard.

My top tens

Top ten Adventures

1. Xian Chinese Orphanage. Age 16

2. Jinan China Market place. Age 16

3. Beijing China Great wall. Age 16

4. Hiking through the bottom of the Grand-Canyon. 22 miles in 1 and 1/2 days. Age 15

5. Escolante river back packing trip. 36 miles in 3 days. Age 14

6. Pariah River Dessert hike. Age 11. 45 miles in 3 days.

8. Climbing Timp base hike. Age 12, 14, 15, not reached the top yet.

9. 5 mile hike to grand daddy lake. Age 15 and 16, very cold lakes up there.

10. 24 hour plain trip to China alone. age 16