I wish I didn't use this blog to only talk about my problems. I do have good moments, but I guess they don't stick with me as good as the bad times. I have this problem with guilt and shame. If I do something wrong, I dwell on it for a very long time. Some longer then others. Even if my action is very small. I wonder if it has something to do with pride because I am worried about how people view me. I don't want them to think I'm weak. I still feel very young.. you'd think I would get use to adult behavior towards me. I didn't spend my time playing when I was young, I spend time with a adults. I was ether at the museum volunteering, or going on backpacking trips with my mom, or just by myself writing and drawing.

When negative things happen to me, I feel homesick because I sometimes believe that my family are the only good people in the world and I am simply away from real and kind people and stuck here with the busy and grouchy ones. I wish I was back in Jinan, I felt very comfortable there with two wonderful people who didn't make me feel homesick, that was the first time I thought I could be away without feeling bad about myself because Laisi and her husband always had this loving look to them that made me feel like family.

This morning, I woke up and went upstairs to eat breakfast, but I felt I had to be careful because Kari was there. So I carefully got out a bowl and carefully opened the drawer to grab a spoon and carefully looked in the fridge... oh no, there was no milk in the fridge. It was sitting by Kari. "OVER HERE IS THE MILK" she said firmly. I walk over there and carefully grabbed the milk and than asked if she wanted me to put it away after I used it, (thinking, she might not be done with it.)

I got the cereal she had used and didn't know that I had just taken it out of her garbage pile because it was empty, so, without being careful I turned around to get the full box of Cheerios and accidentally left it there out of the pile. "YOU TOOK IT OUT OF MY GARBAGE PILE" she said ( as if being annoyed at be.)

I know I shouldn't get so offended, but it is because of those small moments that I feel I have sinned.
Sometimes I wish I could read peoples minds so that I would know to put back the cereal box, or know exactly where the milk was.

Yesterday had a moment I will never forget or maybe be able to forgive myself for. I lost an old Lady after getting too interested in president Monson's talk in the ensign. I always sit and read with her, but at that time I war reading, she got up and said she was going to look at her flowers. I usually fallow her around, but I figured she would do what she always did and come back to sit with me. She didn't.
I then thought she was using the bathroom (which she had don't allot that  day) and would be out very soon. All of a sudden, her granddaughter walk in with a rage and tells me she had walked all the way to the corner alone and had to be driven back. "FALLOW HER PLEASE" she said. I apologized silently trying not to throw up with a horrible sickening feeling I had felt. I brought the old women inside and sat her down to watch some TV. I sat on the floor holding in tears and looking at the old lady once in a while with fear she would start running away suddenly, somehow. I never let her out of my sight again.

I didn't sleep very well last night and had dreams of Fernando. Just little snippets that don't mean anything, but I woke up with a faint headache and then remembered my crime. I cant get it out of my head. I prayed that Sandy would forgive me for losing her grandmother, but It didn't help very much.

I wish these stories would give people some wisdom, but I think it is more of a call out for wisdom for myself. I think this guilt and shame is actually a disease and I should go to a therapist or something, maybe even to my bishop, but I don't think this is a very common thing. It is what gives me the most stress, so I hope I will be able to stop thinking about things to much because it might really hurt me some day.