What art is

Art. We all know it is in all of us somewhere. We don't admit that because people are afraid. They are afraid to show depth, pain, spirit. They know that a single stroke from a drawing, or step from a dance performance can show so much. It can show our limits as to how far we have come in this world. I believe a painting can be a silent shout, a cellist can play words and poems, a ballerina can move without the reality of an audience watching. I belive art can show it all. When we are exposed to these things, accoplishments have been made. The drawing will inspire a young figure artist, and dance will recrute dreamers, a cello performance will stane the very walls with vibrations of color. From the swiftest sroke of the paint brush to the boldest risk in the choreography, art is formed.

I am afraid of a bug, there I said It!

This is Halloween, so I figure it would be appropriate to share something very scary. I have a thing with spiders. Yest, I finally came out with it. wolf spiders and jumping spiders are actually just fine, but black widows and daddy lone leg's I have a problem with, (even though daddy long legs aren't spiders)  they are my worst fear lately. I am a bug person, I love bugs, I study them and frame them, I taxon them and label them and love them, but when I was a very small child, I had a very bad dream about a daddy long leg. I dreamed I smashed it with my shoe, but you can never kill the legs! The legs started crawling and moving around and than jumped on my arms. The horror was very discouraging. I finally got over it about 5 months ago. Than I had a run in with a very very big daddy long leg. I felt something on my shoulder as I was collecting insects up the canyon and there it was crawling towards my face. I gave a yelp and had to kind of freak out for about 10 minutes before I knew I survived. So, every time I see a daddy long leg, I think they are very interesting and I want to get closer sometimes, but those little eight legged freaks are so sneaky and always find a way scare the pee out of me!

Now for the black widows. I didn't really have any encounters with them in Orem, but here... they are everywhere! A couple days ago I squashed one in the garage, then I squashed one in my room, than I found one in my bed and then I put the one that was in my bed in the trash thinking I killed it, then It crawled out of the garbage bucket and crawled back in my bed sheets waiting for me that night. I squished it so hard that just the thought of thinking about it makes me feel like I have sinned something awful.  So, I found a wolf spider on my wall last night but that didn't really phase my spirits compared to those black widows. The amazing thing, was that all those back widows were HUGE! every single one was ginormous. I didn't like that at all. 

                                                              I can't wait to go home.

I wish I didn't use this blog to only talk about my problems. I do have good moments, but I guess they don't stick with me as good as the bad times. I have this problem with guilt and shame. If I do something wrong, I dwell on it for a very long time. Some longer then others. Even if my action is very small. I wonder if it has something to do with pride because I am worried about how people view me. I don't want them to think I'm weak. I still feel very young.. you'd think I would get use to adult behavior towards me. I didn't spend my time playing when I was young, I spend time with a adults. I was ether at the museum volunteering, or going on backpacking trips with my mom, or just by myself writing and drawing.

When negative things happen to me, I feel homesick because I sometimes believe that my family are the only good people in the world and I am simply away from real and kind people and stuck here with the busy and grouchy ones. I wish I was back in Jinan, I felt very comfortable there with two wonderful people who didn't make me feel homesick, that was the first time I thought I could be away without feeling bad about myself because Laisi and her husband always had this loving look to them that made me feel like family.

This morning, I woke up and went upstairs to eat breakfast, but I felt I had to be careful because Kari was there. So I carefully got out a bowl and carefully opened the drawer to grab a spoon and carefully looked in the fridge... oh no, there was no milk in the fridge. It was sitting by Kari. "OVER HERE IS THE MILK" she said firmly. I walk over there and carefully grabbed the milk and than asked if she wanted me to put it away after I used it, (thinking, she might not be done with it.)

I got the cereal she had used and didn't know that I had just taken it out of her garbage pile because it was empty, so, without being careful I turned around to get the full box of Cheerios and accidentally left it there out of the pile. "YOU TOOK IT OUT OF MY GARBAGE PILE" she said ( as if being annoyed at be.)

I know I shouldn't get so offended, but it is because of those small moments that I feel I have sinned.
Sometimes I wish I could read peoples minds so that I would know to put back the cereal box, or know exactly where the milk was.

Yesterday had a moment I will never forget or maybe be able to forgive myself for. I lost an old Lady after getting too interested in president Monson's talk in the ensign. I always sit and read with her, but at that time I war reading, she got up and said she was going to look at her flowers. I usually fallow her around, but I figured she would do what she always did and come back to sit with me. She didn't.
I then thought she was using the bathroom (which she had don't allot that  day) and would be out very soon. All of a sudden, her granddaughter walk in with a rage and tells me she had walked all the way to the corner alone and had to be driven back. "FALLOW HER PLEASE" she said. I apologized silently trying not to throw up with a horrible sickening feeling I had felt. I brought the old women inside and sat her down to watch some TV. I sat on the floor holding in tears and looking at the old lady once in a while with fear she would start running away suddenly, somehow. I never let her out of my sight again.

I didn't sleep very well last night and had dreams of Fernando. Just little snippets that don't mean anything, but I woke up with a faint headache and then remembered my crime. I cant get it out of my head. I prayed that Sandy would forgive me for losing her grandmother, but It didn't help very much.

I wish these stories would give people some wisdom, but I think it is more of a call out for wisdom for myself. I think this guilt and shame is actually a disease and I should go to a therapist or something, maybe even to my bishop, but I don't think this is a very common thing. It is what gives me the most stress, so I hope I will be able to stop thinking about things to much because it might really hurt me some day.

Mondays for a college student

 

In my patriarchal blessing it assures me that I will be blessed as I am away from home if i continue to serve others, so I decided to take on a job without being payed.

Sunday nights: I set my alarm to 6:20, wake up to country music at 6:20 and than hit snooze five times until I actually get out of bed at 7:00 am. Than I get dressed, have breakfast, do hair and makeup and fix a lunch. at 8:00 I ride my blue bike to the institute building and sit there reading until class starts at 8:30 ( I leave early so I don't have to eat breakfast with lad... awkward.) I saver the hour of institute until I must go do math homework for an hour before math class actually starts at 10:30.
After class, I race to the science building up the stairs to the top floor and get up there feeling ready because of the moment of good exercise. I start working in the stock room 5 minutes early. I wash and organize, and that's all...
I race to work every morning so I can leave a bit early not feeling guilty about doing so. I leave early to get to my next job. This is the job I didn't want to get payed for. I wanted something that made me serve more, but that was also something that took up a lot of my time, so this was perfect. The women paying me won't accept me to do that, so I decided what ever I get payed, will ONLY go into my mission fund (since the announcement for missionary women :)
So, this job involves senior service and helping around the house once in a while. The old lady is named Enid. She is like one of those grandmas who will invite stray cats in for some ice-scream. She is losing her memory very rapidly and gets very ancy, so she goes for walks a lot of the time. I've played three hours for her on my cello. She always tears up when I play the hymns, so I play the hymns...
I get to her house around 1:40 and leave at 3:30. Then I go back to Kari's and do what ever until I feel I should go back to the college and study until about 7:30 or 8:00 pm. I get home and than consumes Kari's DELICIOUS meal until my headache goes away from not eating so long. That happens a lot and it seems I am getting more used to it (good, or bad?)
Than after I eat, I ether call my mom or watch cop shows with Kari at 9:00... I usually watch with Kari...
:)
When I go to bet, I set my alarm for 6:00 instead, say my prayers, read my scriptures, read some more of my book where I left off from institute and than lay in bed until I finally fall asleep at about 11:45 or 12:00.

I think I don't sleep well because of the pressure, or maybe because I'm afraid and I need a little hobbit for courage. naa, that can't be it. Look at the picture above. I was gone for three months and I was on the other side of the world. On the plane home, I watched the land go by thinking "If I am only in my country with people who can speak English, there's nothing I can't do because I could do it without those advantages even out of my country. When I struggle, I usually think of what I felt than on that plane. That moment when I felt so grown up and strong was what I look back on for strength now, but I still miss my family, and I don't think that's abnormal.
My schedule is very similar each day. It is a very tight calendar with only four classes and two jobs, but I've made it so far... so bring it on conspiracies...
zia jian

WHAaa!?

Today I confronted my teacher about who I am. I told him I had never taken any scientific class before and barely even knew what an amino acid is. He was very surprised of course and said that if I decide this is just too much I can transfer to Bio 1010. I think that might be best. I spent five hours today (so far) studying for lab tomorrow. I really help all goes well. Here is a list of things I have to study, that I haven’t yet, for tomorrow and for the test on Monday.

Leukocyte, Lipid raft, cytoskeleton, actin filaments, microtubules, motor proteins, mitochondria, setresome, translocators, endoplasm reticulum, Golgi apparatus, chemokine, g protein, integrin, I-cam protein, spontaneous generation, choroidal border, photo receptor, metric unit, permit, extravasation, cell architecture, biology microscopes, prokaryote, eukaryote, nuclear envelope subcellular, centrifugation, homogenize, differential density, lubrication, cellulose, chitin, nucleic acids, DNA and RNA, phosphate groups, atp, nad, nadp, fmn, fad, gtp, monomers, polymer, cell content, sucrose gradient, sodium electrons, nuclei, C1-nucleus, forms of carbon, electronegativity, opolarity, carbonyl group, glycosidic, carbohydrates, ester bonds, lecithin, lipids, membranes, animal cell, plant cell, homogenization, centrifugation, centrifugal forces, stearic acid, saturated fats, plasma membrane, carbon bases, sodium hydroxide, choline, lecithin, rigidity, cellulase, aldehyde, hydrolyzed bonds, amylopectin hemoglobin, diester bond, rule of complementarity and its bases. Double helix, chromatography, phosphomolybdic acid, ninhydrin, carbohydrate chemistry, moolisch test reagent and all of the amino acids and their functions.

This is a kind of adventure I have never thought I would have to have. Heavenly father, please keep my brains intact for the test next week, and the quiz tomorrow, and everything else this week...

Where is Hulk when ya need him to destroy your Biology class?

Today was very hard to live. I spent two hours in a chemistry lab trying not to protest that all was not well at all! I don't think it is as hard for anyone else. Biology and Chemistry is not sticking at all. I thought I had it under control when I only had to learn 20 amino acid structures by heart. Then today I had two hours to spend in the lab (which is going to be three hours soon.) Everyone seemed to get things and they were asking questions and they were putting things together. But not little me. I helped clean out the glasses we had used and that is all. We boiled salt and water together for some reason. I was told what the reason was, but it was so scientific I just nodded and pretended I knew what they were talking about. I want to know the answer, but I don't know how to ask the question.  How  do you say "could you explain that in kindergarten language please?" All of these other kids had gone to a biology and chemistry class in high school. I’ve never taken anything scientific before. I am supposed to be an Entomologist, if I'm not, does that mean I am going to become a mom at age 21 and stay like that until I die? Today I found an orange Papilio Lepidoptera caterpillar outside of the math room. I picked it up cautiously incase its pheromones were toxic to my skin. The smell of its pheromones was very pleasant. I rushed back to the house and but it is in a cup with some leaves and then rushed as fast as I could back to class. Then when I realized I had to stay in the class for more than an hour, I prayed that the caterpillar wouldn't suffocate until I got home. After I did finally get back, I took it down to my room and just laid on my bed wondering if I should cry or play the cello. I played for a bit (probably disturbing Lad) but I felt much better. I paced in my room looking at my biology text books, home work, lab text, experiment pages and all this other stuff. I thought about taking it all to a bomb fire and dancing around it but then remembered how much my mom paid for it, so I didn't. So I stacked it all in a pile and but the less threatening part of the biology text on the top so that I wouldn't become depressed if I accidentally glanced over at it. The girls in my group at the lab are very unlively. They of course don't want to be there either. Chatting on my email to my parents didn't help. I started tearing up a couple times praying for them to agree with my pain, but they failed me and I don't think I'll sleep very well tonight. I have biology tomorrow. 

On August 24th I spent the weekend with my family. When my aunt Kari and I walked through the door of my house it was the highlight of my day weekend already.  The house was full of kids and my mom was sitting at the table talking with my sister and my aunt Gretchen. After holding new baby Liam Jack, I began to feel very depressed. No body realized it that Friday, but it was getting to me a like a poison. I didn't sleep well that night because I began to wonder how to spend that Saturday with my family before I had to leave them again. I began to get selfish. I played with the kids that afternoon like a child and made a mess with the yard. My mom simply asked me to water the lawn, but I could not help it and forgot to water the back yard as well as almost drowning the front. That night I spent time with my new brother and began to get selfish there as well. I kept him from everyone and couldn't stand thinking about tomorrow. As the day began to end, some of my family gathered in the living room to watch a movie about fish. I became very restless as we sat there. I wanted to turn the TV off and just talk, or cry in my parent’s arms, but then remembered my age and that I had already left them all for three months before. Why is this so hard? It was very late that night and still nobody realized the terror I felt. Then I got desperate and selfish again. I begged both of my brothers to stay up with my and watch our favorite stupid TV show. But somehow, my brother was older than me and told me that church was in the morning and that we all had to go to be. I even asked him to sleep on the couch just so I could spend some time with can. When we watch this funny little TV show, it is like we all have something in common. We comment about it, we rephrase thing and we even laugh until we are on the ground holding our stomachs. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving the morning but couldn't explain anything to anyone. I sat where I was for a while and then was asked to go to bed. I felt like a child, one that wishes she still was one just to be silly and dumb and not have to worry about school or the mornings anymore. I didn't want to sleep in the same room with my brother that night. I was angry but knew I was the one being irresponsible. I cried even harder when my little brother came in and slept on the couch next to me. I knew he did so to comfort me and it helped me sleep better. I slept on the couch in a pool of tears praying the night would go quickly and that I could face the morning as I said goodbye to only three of my family members. I was very glad it was Sunday. The ward is wonderful and the spirit got me through the pain as I thought about what I had done. I never knew what to do when my life began to get hectic, but now I know what I have to do.

 

:(