Where is Hulk when ya need him to destroy your Biology class?

Today was very hard to live. I spent two hours in a chemistry lab trying not to protest that all was not well at all! I don't think it is as hard for anyone else. Biology and Chemistry is not sticking at all. I thought I had it under control when I only had to learn 20 amino acid structures by heart. Then today I had two hours to spend in the lab (which is going to be three hours soon.) Everyone seemed to get things and they were asking questions and they were putting things together. But not little me. I helped clean out the glasses we had used and that is all. We boiled salt and water together for some reason. I was told what the reason was, but it was so scientific I just nodded and pretended I knew what they were talking about. I want to know the answer, but I don't know how to ask the question.  How  do you say "could you explain that in kindergarten language please?" All of these other kids had gone to a biology and chemistry class in high school. I’ve never taken anything scientific before. I am supposed to be an Entomologist, if I'm not, does that mean I am going to become a mom at age 21 and stay like that until I die? Today I found an orange Papilio Lepidoptera caterpillar outside of the math room. I picked it up cautiously incase its pheromones were toxic to my skin. The smell of its pheromones was very pleasant. I rushed back to the house and but it is in a cup with some leaves and then rushed as fast as I could back to class. Then when I realized I had to stay in the class for more than an hour, I prayed that the caterpillar wouldn't suffocate until I got home. After I did finally get back, I took it down to my room and just laid on my bed wondering if I should cry or play the cello. I played for a bit (probably disturbing Lad) but I felt much better. I paced in my room looking at my biology text books, home work, lab text, experiment pages and all this other stuff. I thought about taking it all to a bomb fire and dancing around it but then remembered how much my mom paid for it, so I didn't. So I stacked it all in a pile and but the less threatening part of the biology text on the top so that I wouldn't become depressed if I accidentally glanced over at it. The girls in my group at the lab are very unlively. They of course don't want to be there either. Chatting on my email to my parents didn't help. I started tearing up a couple times praying for them to agree with my pain, but they failed me and I don't think I'll sleep very well tonight. I have biology tomorrow. 

On August 24th I spent the weekend with my family. When my aunt Kari and I walked through the door of my house it was the highlight of my day weekend already.  The house was full of kids and my mom was sitting at the table talking with my sister and my aunt Gretchen. After holding new baby Liam Jack, I began to feel very depressed. No body realized it that Friday, but it was getting to me a like a poison. I didn't sleep well that night because I began to wonder how to spend that Saturday with my family before I had to leave them again. I began to get selfish. I played with the kids that afternoon like a child and made a mess with the yard. My mom simply asked me to water the lawn, but I could not help it and forgot to water the back yard as well as almost drowning the front. That night I spent time with my new brother and began to get selfish there as well. I kept him from everyone and couldn't stand thinking about tomorrow. As the day began to end, some of my family gathered in the living room to watch a movie about fish. I became very restless as we sat there. I wanted to turn the TV off and just talk, or cry in my parent’s arms, but then remembered my age and that I had already left them all for three months before. Why is this so hard? It was very late that night and still nobody realized the terror I felt. Then I got desperate and selfish again. I begged both of my brothers to stay up with my and watch our favorite stupid TV show. But somehow, my brother was older than me and told me that church was in the morning and that we all had to go to be. I even asked him to sleep on the couch just so I could spend some time with can. When we watch this funny little TV show, it is like we all have something in common. We comment about it, we rephrase thing and we even laugh until we are on the ground holding our stomachs. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving the morning but couldn't explain anything to anyone. I sat where I was for a while and then was asked to go to bed. I felt like a child, one that wishes she still was one just to be silly and dumb and not have to worry about school or the mornings anymore. I didn't want to sleep in the same room with my brother that night. I was angry but knew I was the one being irresponsible. I cried even harder when my little brother came in and slept on the couch next to me. I knew he did so to comfort me and it helped me sleep better. I slept on the couch in a pool of tears praying the night would go quickly and that I could face the morning as I said goodbye to only three of my family members. I was very glad it was Sunday. The ward is wonderful and the spirit got me through the pain as I thought about what I had done. I never knew what to do when my life began to get hectic, but now I know what I have to do.

 

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