A lot of the time I think back on China with guilt, as if I hadn't done enough for anyone, but I can't complain for the opportunity.

I had a little moment a couple of days ago. I realized that what made me happy in China was the knowledge I was gaining and knowing I was actually doing something with my life. When I came back, I lost the weight I gained kind of just went on with life here, but then I started to feel useless again, I enrolled for Orchestra, Chinese, P.E and Seminary, and still, I can't stand not having the excitement and thrill I had while I was gone.

I feel so empty and useless.

A couple days ago, I realized I had developed an anger issue.
No body realized my vase, but if they would have, I know my parents might of taken me to a shrink.

I hadn't gotten any sleep the day before and I felt worse about it after I got home from school, so I comfortably lied down in my parents bed and watched Television while Morgan was in the other room and everyone else was out of the house.

Suddenly, over and over again, the phone would ring. I would sometimes be so agitated that i wouldn't pick it up and my anger began to rise more and more, but when U got one last phone call, I grudgingly picked it up, answered it and on the other line was my brother telling me that him and his class mate needed to be picked up from their Ballet class all the way on the other side of Provo!

I calmly told him I would be rite there and so I don't think he suspected anything, but when Igot my shoes on I began to look for the truck keys. I couldn't find them anywhere. I remembered putting them in my gray coat when I got home from school.

Not once did I blame myself for not hanging them up in the first place. 10 minutes went by. I asked Morgan what I should do. I was ready to actually attack her if she didn't immediately help me. I controled m6y self for a coupe seconds fut felt like bursting out in tears.

Morgan asked me if I looked "EVERY WHERE"! I though I had. I went back in my parents room where I know I had throne off my shoes and might of dumped my jacket. sure enough, the keys were on the other side of the bed almost hidden underneath. I pulled them out of the pocket as quick as I could.

I remember thinking "if they weren't in the pocket, I would have just got back inn bed and watched TV" while I happily thought about Bridger and his friend Lizzy walk home in darkness.

Before I did find the keys though, I began to chuck a couple things around the house. I back lashed a plastic container so hard I nearly snapped in in half on impact. I found two of my Jackets on the counter. I thought "fine mom! I'll get theses of the counter and make you happy!"

So I grabbed both of them at the same time and through them across the dining room as hard as I could. Not even one second after, I realized that inside the pocket of one of these jackets, was my digital camera I bought in Jinan China.

I froze for a second, then casually walked over and took out my camera to see the damage. It still worked and could take just as good pictures as it could before, but the top was bent open and you could see the inside wiring. Also, the images looked cracked, even though they would turn up fine if I transferred the pics on the computer.

I careful placed my camera on the kitchen table. My heart would not beat and it felt like the universe was against me. All of this happened while Morgan was sitting comfortably on her bed listening to music, so I new she hadn't herd anything, but she might have felt a couple vibrations and mistaken them for tiny earthquakes.

I grabbed the keys and stormed out to the car. "I blame Bridger for all of this" I thought, and wen I shut the car door, I closeed my eyes and released a loud "AAAaaah"!!! It was so hi picked my ears hurt afterward.

I emotionally felt better after that and was able to pick Bridger and Lizzy up , drop Lizzy off at her house and drive home with my brother, not once, attacking him!

The rest of the day was quiet and wen I told my dad how stupidly I broke my camera, he said he was glad I was such a fire ball "And I hope you never change."